Silent night

Silent Night. Quiet, after a raging thunder storm and sheets of rain.
Today started with a bang over at the shed project. Bindu issued a declaration, a slogan, for the shed project. It is: FUCK YOU!
Naturally someone got offended, drama ensued. A member left, cursing the project. order was restored. Somewhat.
Bindu's provocative slogan resonated into my life today. I literally awoke to a mess in my Inbox. A long time friend screwed us over some long laid plans. Apparently a life long friendship is worth $193 and an inability to organize oneself. I tried so hard to make this seamless, e-mailed, researched, organized and for what. A fuck you to the face. I can't sleep I am so upset.

I spoke to the claims adjuster on my legal team today. The insurance company seems to have stopped paying out what they owe me, and with the team meeting next week I am worried that this meeting, which is supposed to be about me, will end up being about this idiot adjuster's incompetence. Completely unacceptable and it makes me so incredibly angry. To think of how much we've paid into car insurance only to be stonewalled by a farce of am adjuster. My lawyers have to undertake harsher measures to obtain way the insurance
I guess this is what my therapy is for. To help me navigate my way through the stages of grief and loss.To figure out why Erick and I always get screwed, why we seem to be targets for the behaviour of others? I am so tired of dealing with other people's shit. I am really beginning to lose my faith in humanity. I feel so much anger building up inside me. Things need to change.
I have Pilates in a few hours, which is the best part of my week. I just hope I can stay awake for the session.
One of my assets or vices, is I care too much about others. i always put myself out there, open to the issues of others. I try to help, get frustrated when it isn't reciprocated. I think I held on to a certain group of friends too long. That maybe it would be better to let them all go. Make new friends, like I did when I was traveling. The problem with travel friends is once you are home, the context is gone. Harder to stay in tough with friends in their natural habit because they will be different at home. The best part about travel was becoming a different person. Clean slate, no one knows you. You can live completely in the moment, without the weight of the past or future.
It would be wicked to be able to change the way I see things. I see only the failures, which overshadow the richness of experiences and makes everything seem horrible. I wish I could only focus on the good stuff, life's treasured moments. A self goal for this time off, maybe even for the shed project if I can get to it, is to go through all my travel photos and saved mementos from my wander years and make a scrapbook, a record of all the amazing stuff. Learning from the bad stuff, while focusing on the positive.
So far I have thinned my closet, my books, my Cds and Dvds. I want to go through my personal effects. I want to work regularly on my manuscript, beginning with re=reading all the critiques from Diamond Cutters, and making a list of chapters, so I can expand my work. I want to attack the basement, organize and purge the clutter.
Beside her drama llama, Bindu also posted a fantastic post bu a guest writer. http://binduwiles.com/buddhism/the-shed-project-guest-post-from-rebecca-self/
The writer stated that our lives should be filled with stuff we love and cherish and use. Our possessions should make us happy, not stressed. Same is true with our friends. Forget emotional attachment or obligatory stuff, and own only items which allow us to shine and be productive. This outlook, while written within a sad context, spoke to me so clearly. Such an overly simple concept. I am quite preoccupied with this drama of my own but once a solution is found I think I am going to take a good look at what sort of existence I truly have and how to improve it or clean it out.
I am so tired of the inefficiencies of others. It is time for some me time.