Got the title from a blog post by twitch vintage. Could be a mantra for meditation or a yoga practice.
Last little while has been tedious. I miss blogging regularly. I've been thinking of setting up a lifestyle blog but lack the motivation. Nothing too personal - really just a "Lookit What I found" blog. Some of my friends ask me where I find the items I do, so it might be an nice information gathering venture.
Appointment today with the Pain Clinic. Imaging of my Left foot, a nerve conduction study, trying to isolate the neurogenic issues and pain I have been experiencing. May drop by the ER after, if I'm feeling up to it. Still struggling with the reality that the ER is done for me. It feels like what I imagine it would feel like to be painter and lose control of her hands. Identity changing.
Figured I'd dress up today to feel better. Even if the inside is a mess, decorating the outside can help. One must start somewhere!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Overdue, shamefully
The worst thing (or at least, the 49th worst thing) is about rehab and recovery is the demotivation that occurs with recovering.
Take for example this blog. I was so gungho about posting, sometimes writing posts to post at later dates. Just like Chris Guillebreau and Danielle La Porte tell you to, so that the well doesn't dry out. If I had already posted for the day, I would write a new post as a word document so I could post it the next day.
During October, the most exciting things to happen in a long time occured but my motivation to post about it went straight out the window!
Maybe it was laziness, maybe it was procrastination. Perhaps I viewed blogging as negative, as it had become my outlet for things that were bothering me. Maybe I just wanted to keep those moments to myself. In retrospect, anything is possible.
But bye and bye, the motivation for blogging left me. Blogging ceased to be an outlet for me and became just another item on the list to tick off. The list on "How to get my LIFE back..."
Given all that I've lost, all that has been taken from me in some form or another, one would think I'd be comping at the bit to whittle away at this list, to get closer to achieving wholeness. Wrong. God, anything but.
October was sacred. It gave me two weeks to step away from my life now, to leave all the rehab and doubt and the angst about recovering and just go west. To the promise land. T and A's wedding was awesome. Fun, delicious, boisterous! I haven't seen E look that relaxed in months. That alone, made the cost all the more worth it.
Take for example this blog. I was so gungho about posting, sometimes writing posts to post at later dates. Just like Chris Guillebreau and Danielle La Porte tell you to, so that the well doesn't dry out. If I had already posted for the day, I would write a new post as a word document so I could post it the next day.
During October, the most exciting things to happen in a long time occured but my motivation to post about it went straight out the window!
Maybe it was laziness, maybe it was procrastination. Perhaps I viewed blogging as negative, as it had become my outlet for things that were bothering me. Maybe I just wanted to keep those moments to myself. In retrospect, anything is possible.
But bye and bye, the motivation for blogging left me. Blogging ceased to be an outlet for me and became just another item on the list to tick off. The list on "How to get my LIFE back..."
Given all that I've lost, all that has been taken from me in some form or another, one would think I'd be comping at the bit to whittle away at this list, to get closer to achieving wholeness. Wrong. God, anything but.
October was sacred. It gave me two weeks to step away from my life now, to leave all the rehab and doubt and the angst about recovering and just go west. To the promise land. T and A's wedding was awesome. Fun, delicious, boisterous! I haven't seen E look that relaxed in months. That alone, made the cost all the more worth it.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
VACAY DAY 2 - Collecting
6AM – day of the wedding. The surf is pounding to the quiet beat of Lightning Dust. Wish I’d seen them live, but seeing as we are now in their home province maybe I could call them up, ask them to busk somewhere so I could sit on a bench nearby and listen. Hmmmm….
The morning was spent on the big tree trail. Tofino is in an inlet, filled with small, jewel like islands. It is also in the Clayquout Sound Biosphere, which is classified as a rain forest. You can feel it all around you – on your skin, which is so soft here, to wafting into your nostrils as the most intoxicating perfume ever. My urban lungs are powerless to resist such a powerful entity that I succumb entirely to it’s hypnotic power, and I float around in a blessed out cloud, at one with nature. Damn smog. It leaves me defenseless to the natural environment.
The big tree trail was accessible only by boat, a 10 minute ride through the mountains to a cove. The weather was fantastic – warm sun, clear day, not much wind. We arrived at the rocky access point to the forest. The Nordic hiking poles my Dad bought me proved invaluable, as they allowed me to navigate the hilly, moist, boardwalk, providing support and traction.
The forest was crisp and beautiful, with majestic old trees soaring overtop, a dark green tinted with golden sunlight against a sky blue. Truly beautiful. The air was thick with the smell of the bark and earth. The calls of birds provided backdrop to the chicanery and giggling that comes with hiking with your friends. Eliav found a Douglas fir to fall in love with. Tim caught our spirits with his camera, but ultimately catalogued our delight at the incredible environment of the forest. Trees so big we could crawl through to stand at the middle. Eliav, when trying to scrabble out of the tree, caught stuck in the trunk as his blackberry was hooked on a branch (?????). We have the pictures to prove it.
Although I kept my glance down, to watch my footing, I was filled with elation that I was actually capable of doing this. A year ago, in my hospital bed, I would have never thought I’d be able to go on vacation, let alone find myself hiking a West Coast trail!
T and A lent us the car for the afternoon, so we went to a local eatery, that I had found last time I was on, to feast on a hearty seafood chowder. I got Erick a surf t-shirt from an espresso shop and Erick inquired into surf lessons for Saturday. We headed to town and say on a patio by the main road, chatting with the E’s as they worked on schoolwork that couldn’t be ignored.
Most of the wedding guests arrived today and convened on the lodge deck for a BBQ, and meet and great. I finally met some of A’s friends who I’d heard so much about. Saw some old faces, which I realized I still didn’t know how to talk to.
My social anxiety crept in around dinnertime. I had to leave the party and go back to my room so I could cry like a baby and purge the mounting anxiety I’d been feeling socializing. With PTSD, the fear can creep in any time. So many of A’s friends told me they’d heard so much about me. This struck a chord, as I assumed they’d meant the accident. Not something I had wanted to be known for. My career goals, fuelled by my disappointment at my predicament fueled together to render me a sobbing wreck. This sorrow, it overtakes me till I barely recognize myself. Convinced I was a bad person because the accident had occurred, I blubbered to Erick that I clearly deserved what had happened to me. Erick, being the incredible person he is, built me back up, he allowed me to cry all over him, said exactly the right thing and got me to smile sooner rather than later. After a calming cigarette, we rejoined the party.
I chatted to many new and old people. The lodge served the most sinfully fantastic cookies at around nine PM, and thankfully, the rum in my drink was Sailor Jerry.
I finally met Kyla. We chatted about traveling, knitting, her Etsy store and growing up in BC. She asked me about the Shed Project, Bindu and the Diamond Cutters writing workshop. Neat chick.
Wedding tomorrow. But first, morning yoga class, which was put together by Caroline, who is my fantastic Thai masseuse, a talented yogi and even better friend. Then back to the lodge to primp and get dressed at Ariella’s cabin. Then the ceremony, followed by dinner at the lodge and the party afterwards. Such a busy, awesome day packed with love and light and socializing and imbibing and dancing and posing.
The morning was spent on the big tree trail. Tofino is in an inlet, filled with small, jewel like islands. It is also in the Clayquout Sound Biosphere, which is classified as a rain forest. You can feel it all around you – on your skin, which is so soft here, to wafting into your nostrils as the most intoxicating perfume ever. My urban lungs are powerless to resist such a powerful entity that I succumb entirely to it’s hypnotic power, and I float around in a blessed out cloud, at one with nature. Damn smog. It leaves me defenseless to the natural environment.
The big tree trail was accessible only by boat, a 10 minute ride through the mountains to a cove. The weather was fantastic – warm sun, clear day, not much wind. We arrived at the rocky access point to the forest. The Nordic hiking poles my Dad bought me proved invaluable, as they allowed me to navigate the hilly, moist, boardwalk, providing support and traction.
The forest was crisp and beautiful, with majestic old trees soaring overtop, a dark green tinted with golden sunlight against a sky blue. Truly beautiful. The air was thick with the smell of the bark and earth. The calls of birds provided backdrop to the chicanery and giggling that comes with hiking with your friends. Eliav found a Douglas fir to fall in love with. Tim caught our spirits with his camera, but ultimately catalogued our delight at the incredible environment of the forest. Trees so big we could crawl through to stand at the middle. Eliav, when trying to scrabble out of the tree, caught stuck in the trunk as his blackberry was hooked on a branch (?????). We have the pictures to prove it.
Although I kept my glance down, to watch my footing, I was filled with elation that I was actually capable of doing this. A year ago, in my hospital bed, I would have never thought I’d be able to go on vacation, let alone find myself hiking a West Coast trail!
T and A lent us the car for the afternoon, so we went to a local eatery, that I had found last time I was on, to feast on a hearty seafood chowder. I got Erick a surf t-shirt from an espresso shop and Erick inquired into surf lessons for Saturday. We headed to town and say on a patio by the main road, chatting with the E’s as they worked on schoolwork that couldn’t be ignored.
Most of the wedding guests arrived today and convened on the lodge deck for a BBQ, and meet and great. I finally met some of A’s friends who I’d heard so much about. Saw some old faces, which I realized I still didn’t know how to talk to.
My social anxiety crept in around dinnertime. I had to leave the party and go back to my room so I could cry like a baby and purge the mounting anxiety I’d been feeling socializing. With PTSD, the fear can creep in any time. So many of A’s friends told me they’d heard so much about me. This struck a chord, as I assumed they’d meant the accident. Not something I had wanted to be known for. My career goals, fuelled by my disappointment at my predicament fueled together to render me a sobbing wreck. This sorrow, it overtakes me till I barely recognize myself. Convinced I was a bad person because the accident had occurred, I blubbered to Erick that I clearly deserved what had happened to me. Erick, being the incredible person he is, built me back up, he allowed me to cry all over him, said exactly the right thing and got me to smile sooner rather than later. After a calming cigarette, we rejoined the party.
I chatted to many new and old people. The lodge served the most sinfully fantastic cookies at around nine PM, and thankfully, the rum in my drink was Sailor Jerry.
I finally met Kyla. We chatted about traveling, knitting, her Etsy store and growing up in BC. She asked me about the Shed Project, Bindu and the Diamond Cutters writing workshop. Neat chick.
Wedding tomorrow. But first, morning yoga class, which was put together by Caroline, who is my fantastic Thai masseuse, a talented yogi and even better friend. Then back to the lodge to primp and get dressed at Ariella’s cabin. Then the ceremony, followed by dinner at the lodge and the party afterwards. Such a busy, awesome day packed with love and light and socializing and imbibing and dancing and posing.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
VACAY DAY 1
Pitch black outside. The sound of the roaring, rolling surf filtering in my open window. The air smells so fresh, so clean. Like a drug.
By a limo to a big plane to a little plane we arrived in Tofino, BC by mid afternoon. I’m still in a daze. So much planning, nail biting, healing, praying and now, here we are.
ON VACATION.
The wedding is the day after tomorrow. We were the first guests to arrive. We figured taking an extra day to settle in was wise given the frenzy of arrivals that will monopolize tomorrow. A. and her mum are taking us to the big tree trail tomorrow morning on a nearby island, to walk along a boardwalk and take in the soaring cathedral like trees of the coast line.
The last time we went away, we went to Egypt to dive in the Red Sea. Absolute heaven and tranquil calm awaited us under the sea. Exploding colour and serenity with so much marine life, we would sometimes just float in the ebb and flow of the current. One of the best parts was the chance to adventure independently, at our own pace. The second half of our trip we journeyed up the Nile and were taken back in time to the time of the pharaohs. Spent our last week in Rome – eating, walking, shopping and more walking. 3 weeks of ancient wonder.
Tofino is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Small fishing town with stellar surf, nestled on a bay below the rain forest of Clayquot Sound. The craggy mountains and rocky shores, with big majestic redwoods and Douglas fir, moody gray and silver toned sky. There is so much natural beauty. It’s mind blowing.
E’s never been to Vancouver Island. Only half a day spent here, and already he’s in love with the rain forest and ocean. I doubt it would take much convincing for him to consider moving our life out here.
My back has been acting up all day, due, I think, to the cramped sitting on both flights. Lounged in T-botz’s hot tub, took an easy stroll along the beach, sipped some honey mead. Resting in bed while E joined the families for dinner in town. I’m too sore to go along. I am worried that this will be a common theme this week. Unfortunately I don’t have the crazy endurance that I did the last time I was here.
I love the sound of the ocean beating against the shore. So lulling, so captivating. I love falling asleep to the sounds and hissing of the ocean. I’m thinking of renting a wetsuit and bobbing about in the shallows while Erick has his surfing lessons. Hydrotherapy and negative ions = optimal health.
By a limo to a big plane to a little plane we arrived in Tofino, BC by mid afternoon. I’m still in a daze. So much planning, nail biting, healing, praying and now, here we are.
ON VACATION.
The wedding is the day after tomorrow. We were the first guests to arrive. We figured taking an extra day to settle in was wise given the frenzy of arrivals that will monopolize tomorrow. A. and her mum are taking us to the big tree trail tomorrow morning on a nearby island, to walk along a boardwalk and take in the soaring cathedral like trees of the coast line.
The last time we went away, we went to Egypt to dive in the Red Sea. Absolute heaven and tranquil calm awaited us under the sea. Exploding colour and serenity with so much marine life, we would sometimes just float in the ebb and flow of the current. One of the best parts was the chance to adventure independently, at our own pace. The second half of our trip we journeyed up the Nile and were taken back in time to the time of the pharaohs. Spent our last week in Rome – eating, walking, shopping and more walking. 3 weeks of ancient wonder.
Tofino is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Small fishing town with stellar surf, nestled on a bay below the rain forest of Clayquot Sound. The craggy mountains and rocky shores, with big majestic redwoods and Douglas fir, moody gray and silver toned sky. There is so much natural beauty. It’s mind blowing.
E’s never been to Vancouver Island. Only half a day spent here, and already he’s in love with the rain forest and ocean. I doubt it would take much convincing for him to consider moving our life out here.
My back has been acting up all day, due, I think, to the cramped sitting on both flights. Lounged in T-botz’s hot tub, took an easy stroll along the beach, sipped some honey mead. Resting in bed while E joined the families for dinner in town. I’m too sore to go along. I am worried that this will be a common theme this week. Unfortunately I don’t have the crazy endurance that I did the last time I was here.
I love the sound of the ocean beating against the shore. So lulling, so captivating. I love falling asleep to the sounds and hissing of the ocean. I’m thinking of renting a wetsuit and bobbing about in the shallows while Erick has his surfing lessons. Hydrotherapy and negative ions = optimal health.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Calm before the storm
539AM. Cannot sleep. Team conference today. Everyone is meeting to discuss my path of care - PT, OT, SW, Masseuse, Bill from OV. The adjuster from BD. I'm hoping not all of this conference will be spent addressing ongoing issues with the adjuster. This is supposed to be about my care but there have been so many problems with this adjuster that my care is becoming impacted. Delayed responses to Tx plans or no response at all. Repeated mistakes, odd denials of Tx vs. odd approvals of Tx - no sense to it. Never returning phone calls. Seems to dislike reading reports. No payments received. It would be easy to label this woman incompetent but no one is sure if that is the issue. Is all this delay, this headache indicative of the insurance business or is this delay being orchestrated purposely by the insurance company. So frustrating. Back when I was discharged from Bridgepoint, Holly suggested a tempurpedic mattress would be easier to sleep on and improve circulation while decreasing stiffness. Dr Ahn wrote me a prescription, the Tx plan was sent off and we waited. The obligatory 10 days for BD to respond came and went with no answer. Holly phoned, left messages and e-mails still no answer. Almost 3 weeks later Holly got a hold of the adjuster who stated she had never received the Tx plan. When she checked the fax - lo and behold! - there it was sitting there, along with many other Tx plans for myself. The adjuster never checked the fax.
Eventually appproval was granted. Still no check. Holly called to arrange delivery of the mattress and to set up a bill. Holly called the adjuster, was told she has sent the check to Holly's office. when Holly checked the address the adjuster had, it was wrong. Holly gave the correct address, double checked what had been been noted and waited. Still no payment. The adjuster had sent the check to the wrong address again. The lawyers got involved. TWO MONTHS after I had obtained the RX, I finally got my bed.
I also received a Rx for a recliner, as I could sit on any of the chairs and the couch currently in the living room. Seeing as this was where I would pass most of my day, Holly decided to put in a Tx plan for the chair. We went ahead and bought it, because I had no where comfortable to sit. The response finally came a few months later. Denied because the reason for it was not understood. The adjuster paid for an independent OT to come and assess my need for such a chair. He arrived with no background, no list of injuries, no history of the accident. All he was given was one page from another persons chart. Once he saw my state and read though some of our copies of the reports he agreed completely with the Rx and state he would give approval for the chair. To this day, we have heard nothing.
This whole predicament has me thankful that I have a legal team who advocates for me. I never have to deal with the adjuster. I could not imagine being in the condition I was upon discharge and then having to start chasing the insurance company for benefits. This stressor would have had a serious impact on my mental health, but especially on Erick's as he would have most likely dealt with it when I was too upset. The MBI clinic the nurse clinician told me that insurance was a big issue at this clinic. Some Pt's are discharged with no lawyer, no community support and have to start dealing with the insurance. I cannot imagine what this is like and whenever I get frustrated with my lawyers or care givers I try to remember how lucky I am to have them advocating and caring for me.
With the changes brought in on September 1st, insurance has changed drastically - much has been taken away from consumers. Yet no one would know this unless they pay attention to this area, or they are dependent on the insurance companies. The pay out for non-CAT pt's has been slashed in half. Attendant care, housekeeping and anything involved with the home etc. is now extra. Before, these benefits were not taken from the maximum amount of the policy. not it is being deducted from the total amount given. If the public knew just how much was being taken away from them, I think they would be furious. But because this is accessible only when the worst happens, no one thinks about it or pays attention. So typically human.
Eventually appproval was granted. Still no check. Holly called to arrange delivery of the mattress and to set up a bill. Holly called the adjuster, was told she has sent the check to Holly's office. when Holly checked the address the adjuster had, it was wrong. Holly gave the correct address, double checked what had been been noted and waited. Still no payment. The adjuster had sent the check to the wrong address again. The lawyers got involved. TWO MONTHS after I had obtained the RX, I finally got my bed.
I also received a Rx for a recliner, as I could sit on any of the chairs and the couch currently in the living room. Seeing as this was where I would pass most of my day, Holly decided to put in a Tx plan for the chair. We went ahead and bought it, because I had no where comfortable to sit. The response finally came a few months later. Denied because the reason for it was not understood. The adjuster paid for an independent OT to come and assess my need for such a chair. He arrived with no background, no list of injuries, no history of the accident. All he was given was one page from another persons chart. Once he saw my state and read though some of our copies of the reports he agreed completely with the Rx and state he would give approval for the chair. To this day, we have heard nothing.
This whole predicament has me thankful that I have a legal team who advocates for me. I never have to deal with the adjuster. I could not imagine being in the condition I was upon discharge and then having to start chasing the insurance company for benefits. This stressor would have had a serious impact on my mental health, but especially on Erick's as he would have most likely dealt with it when I was too upset. The MBI clinic the nurse clinician told me that insurance was a big issue at this clinic. Some Pt's are discharged with no lawyer, no community support and have to start dealing with the insurance. I cannot imagine what this is like and whenever I get frustrated with my lawyers or care givers I try to remember how lucky I am to have them advocating and caring for me.
With the changes brought in on September 1st, insurance has changed drastically - much has been taken away from consumers. Yet no one would know this unless they pay attention to this area, or they are dependent on the insurance companies. The pay out for non-CAT pt's has been slashed in half. Attendant care, housekeeping and anything involved with the home etc. is now extra. Before, these benefits were not taken from the maximum amount of the policy. not it is being deducted from the total amount given. If the public knew just how much was being taken away from them, I think they would be furious. But because this is accessible only when the worst happens, no one thinks about it or pays attention. So typically human.
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