Night Swimming

When I was little, as with most over imaginative children, night time frightened me, sometimes forcing me under the covers with my favourite bear, other times forcing me downstairs to my mum, who would allow me one segment of Dallas or L.A. Law before accompanying me back to bed, checking for monsters or the like before tucking me in. Eventually we got a orange Popsicle night light, and glow in the dark stars for the ceiling, to comfort me when the night demons threatened to break from the shadows and loom like trees above the bed. I don't know whether I really was frightened of monsters or demons or whether my fears were of the unknown that lay beyond the darkness, even though the practical aspect of my brain knew nothing was there other than my desk, bookshelf and closet full of clothes.
As I grew older and wiser, night time became a source of fascination, of pending adulthood. I was convinced the most exciting things happened at night - dates with boys, car chases, daring feats of bravery, sophisticated club nights and drinking the odd fuzzy navel. I began staying up late, listening to the radio, writing in my diary. As I ventured further into adolescence, so began the sneaking out my bedroom window to go and meet friends, the odd boyfriend. Getting stuck in the window soon became unromantic and I resorted to stealthily sneaking down the stairs and slipping out the back door. I had my going out clothes alongside my regular clothing, and the more I went out at night the more I began thinking about night time activities. As with many young adults, I felt that my real life, my most interesting self, occurred after dark. Whether stone cold sober or merrily inebriated I felt the most alive at night. Life felt limitless, the wall of daytime inhibitions came down, as a sense of relaxation became the norm whenever I was out at night. The week was lived solely for weekend nights, and there was nothing more delicious then stolen week nights spent out at a bar or dance event. I felt I looked better at night, I felt more confident and interesting at night, as the blandness that I felt with my daytime responsibilities, was shed as soon as the sun went down. Whether out with friends or wandering the neighbourhood alone, night soon grabbed a hold of me and it was during those midnight hours that I became high functioning.
Why is night the stuff of legend and romanticism? Why do events in the dark seem so much more interesting then in broad daylight? Again, the unknown certainly has it's appeal. Events in the shadows leave far more of an impression on impressionable minds then they do in the stark light of day. There is a certain danger at night that does not resonate the same way in daylight. The evil that humans do, be it to themselves of others, occur in daytime as they do at night, but it is the nigh time activities that frighten us or leave an impression on far greater than the day time versions. These night time events seem much more mysterious and appealing then they do in day. The lull of dimly lit rooms, of dark rooms and hushed voices seem far more appealing than brightly lit rooms and well lit mirrors. Fornicating and imbibing at night seems far more appealing than doing so in the daytime at times. It is easier to lose inhibitions and one senses at night, lost in the shadows, and uncaring of the inevitable dawn that brings clarity and reality with it's first rays of sunshine. At night it is easier to forget reality as one's real life was separated from one's night self by the act of sleep. Even when I became a shift worker, the events of the night shift became blurred once the sun came up, as the setting was changed, illuminated, and not the same place as before.

One changes in the dead of night as initially we were hunted at night, as many species hunt at night, or as the sun goes down.One loses the sense of sight at night, in the pitch blackness, especially in rural settings, where often the only light comes from the moon overhead. Because of general inactivity, as most people sleep during the night, there is a quiet to night, that makes any sound far more noticeable at night. Because one's vision is diminished, the other four senses are called upon to cast clarity on an otherwise darkened picture. Sounds echo, scents seem more potent. There is a coolness, due to the lack of sunlight, that adds to the atmosphere of night. All this sensual overload, be it the chill, the loud sounds, the disorientation from lack of light, causes the mind to often run wild with stories, frightening thoughts. There is a sense of vulnerability to night given the loss of a major sense, that leaves one feeling alone and alien, like prey. Seeing as many species hunt at night, the mind can quickly jump to a primordial sense of being hunted, and the fight or flight response kicks in, allowing even the most rational person to, in a sense, wig out. As a sense of panic or flight kicks in, this response, which dates back millions of years to our most basic form, allows the body to ready itself to fight or take flight to avoid the danger it is imminently sensing. The heart rate quickens, demand for oxygen increases causing quicker inhalations. The vascular system begins shunting all the blood to the core. A large amount of glucose is dumped into the system, to be used to fight or to run, for one's life or foe one's dinner. Pupils dilated, muscles fire, the body readies itself for lightening quick movements. The mind takes over and suddenly a perfectly rational being takes off, either truly being chased or fleeing imaginary pursuers. All because, potentially, of a feeling of vulnerability brought on by a sense of blindness of one's senses due to a sense of fear of night, of the unknown.
But what terrifies some, energizes others. The nocturnal folk. The stillness of night often allows for the mind to function more effectively as the distractions of a busy day time are at rest or much subdued. Many a student swears by an all nighter as the best time for producing an A+ paper. Yoga, which is often thought of as a sunrise activity due to the sun salutations that begin many a yoga class or personal practice, takes on a new meaning at night. The stillness, gentleness of a darkened room allow for a deeper more concentrated practice. I sometimes take my yoga mat outside and practise alone, moving ever so quietly to create a sense of quiet and fluidity to a body often jarred and restless from a hectic, stark day.
Once, while taking a boat from mainland India to a chain of Islands called the Andaman Islands, I couldn't sleep and proceeded to skulk around the ship, climbing up a rickety staircase to the top deck of the ship. There at the head of the ship, in the cold never wavering breeze and ever expanding darkness I felt so incredibly vulnerable, a small slip of a being alone on a small slip of a boat in the middle of the Indian ocean, at the mercy of the elements and of the ocean itself. Should I lose my footing and tumble into the black churning waves below, I would be forever lost as no one would miss me till morning, and even if someone was standing right next to me, they would be hard pressed to spot me in the dark ocean. I had long since overcome my childhood fear of night, but at that moment I felt an incredible sense of reverence for a time that occurs every 12 hours or so of each day of my life. I quickly headed back to my hammock on a lower deck and wrapped myself tight in my sarong, humbled and more respectful of an event that we often take for granted. The fear of night begins when we are young and afraid of the darkness and unknown, feelings which are often felt towards an eternal darkness, death. Perhaps as children, we often have feelings towards themes which never change, they only become more complicated because adults over complicate the most simplest notions.
Tonight as I write this, my back and tailbone pain is acting up. I can feel the neuropathic pain in my feet flickering as I move it, and fatigue from not sleeping due to this issues makes them only more present. Because of the stillness and quiet that night time brings, my pain is often worse. I use writing as a way to distract myself from my physical troubles, a stream of nighttime consciousness. Or night swimming through my thoughts and memories of a dark constant in all our lives.