Retail Therapy

I never understood the concept of retail therapy. Like most, I would splurge in some consumerism and acquire things, most of it useful. I very rarely did it to feel relief or a change in mood.
Since this accident, I have engaged in emotional buying at a frequent rate. Since my immobility issues, and photosensitive due to the MRSA antibiotic I am on, the internet has quickly become my medium of consumerism. And consume I have. Clothes, books, makeup, shoes. There is a certain gamble in online shopping that any thrill seeker may like. Will it fit, is it true to colour or size measurement, will I like it, is it worth what it cost, will it get lost in the mail, will I have to pay duty - these are all questions to consider.
The plus has been finding an entire community of online shops, businesses and communities across the country. I found the online handmade community of Etsy, which quickly became a favourite. I found a store in Vancouver which chooses clothing based on how sustainable and environmentally responsible the maker is, and which carries some beautiful labels. I purged my closet and began buying new clothes and shoes, pretty things that I would wear and use to create the new me that has come out alive from the last 10 months. Each time I felt sad or down, I clicked on to my new world and would get lost in online stores, communities and blogs. The days confined to the house became filled with time online discovering new communities and places around the world. From retail therapy I discovered Twitter and the handmade lifestyle community which exists to change consumerism into mindful, community supporting purchasing. I've discovered writing classes, career coaches, life coaches, building one's own economy. The discoveries are endless. I became a part of a community that for 21 days, wrote 800 words and practiced yoga 5 days a week - the 21.5.800 community. I've attended online writing workshops, heard some pretty fascinating people speak on all sorts of topics, and rediscovered yoga as a means to enhance my physical recovery. The writing has helped calm my mind - it has given me a place to vomit all my angst and grief regarding my situation into cyberspace. And I haven't covered said topics yet. This blog has been an ongoing project. I want to turn into something that can help others who suffer the misfortune of a life crippling accident. I discovered Chris Guillebreau who has a quest to see all the countries in the world by the time he's 35. I discovered Bindu Wiles who founded 21.5.800 and who is holding a more in depth writing course in August, the Diamond Cutters series. I discovered Danielle LaPorte who is a lifestyle and entrepreneur coach, who thinks big ideas and helps others realize theirs. These are all people who embraced their strengths, dreams and passions and made a lifestyle, a sustainable self-supporting career out of simply being themselves. And because most of it is based on-line, they can do it from anywhere, from Paris to Ecuador, From Tursikstan to Cancun. I have such lifestyle envy! If surviving was a business, I would have the market cornered, believe me.
While my shopping needs to stop less I bankrupt myself for therapeutic bamboo derived material, my discoveries online need to go on. Somehow I've managed to tap into something that interests me, keeps me motivated to get out of bed, keeps me positive, something which is much more sustainable than a nice dress or sassy underwear. I am trying to salvage something out of the ashes of my former existence. The person I knew is gone, and I live each day with a ghost of my former self. This shadow of self, while still a part of me, is gone, and no amount of crying and mourning will bring her back. Her dreams of MSF are gone and while it kills me to type or read those words, I have to accept the notion. So if retail therapy has been the catalyst to spiritual and self therapy, well, then this is money well spent. Ten years from now, the money will be forgotten but the effect this accident has ultimately had on my psyche could still be felt and still be resonating. I cannot allow myself to be swallowed up in grief. I am still young. There is still time to achieve my dreams. But in a different way. It begins here, in the stillness of the moment.