Aftermath

The last day has flitted by in a blur. Situation with a friend reached a nasty rolling boil. Emotions raging, I ranted at a keyboard, poured the acidic bile out of my heart and mind, to see if I could make sense of the cloudy mirk staring me in the face, from a too bright screen. I fell out of my chair and sent an e-mail that was never to be sent. A volcano of hurtful reactions was hurtled back at me and I cannot really blame the poor soul. I sent him quite the bitch slap. Course, he backhanded bitch slapped me and everything fell apart. Good thing my level headed man friend stepped in and smoothed things over. Bless him. Still reeling, but not as fast.
All week I've been sitting more than doing, slothing more than being productive. This happens all too often. It's like my body goes on strike and waits for my mind to slow down. Fatigue is an enemy of rehab. Suc a fine balance - I have to push myself to make limits more pliable, but push too far and I fall with a crash. I tackled a 30 day yoga challenge a while back. Pre-hard ware removal I had begun doing yoga to calm my mind and increase my flexibility, while strengthening my core. Days 1 to 4 were filled with savasanna, light poses and easy, breezy sun salutations, slow like molasses. On day 5 I decided to try a yoga video I had bought online for 21.5.800. Threw myself in with vigorous aplomb but forgot my flotation device. I could barely walk due to too long in pigeon pose, my lower back and gluts were on fire. The next 4 days were recovery, massage and self-scouldings to be kinder to myself.
There is such a pressure to perform in rehab, especially for a perfectionist like myself. If I'm progressing each class I get frustrated. This rehab has been so intermittent, stalled and difficult. Not much flow, nothing continuous be it illness, double booking, rescheduling. It is so easy to lose motivation. So easy to fall into depression.
I haven't had a depressive episode in a while. The anniversary of the accident was hard, but I didn't cry as hard as I thought I would. I started cognitive behavioural therapy a few weeks ago. My therapist is kind, empathetic, the most thoughtful person ever, and clearly driven to provide her clients with the most holistic service possible. I have a CBT notebook to take notes in. She wants me to bring her a copy of my manuscript. I may let her read this blog. She suggests books for me to read, even gave me a book for Erick to read, so we could understand trauma together. I see her every other week and I find her sessions helpful. I also have a social worker who I see weekly and a psychiatrist who keeps track of my medications and mood, and encourages me to share my thoughts and feelings regarding care, the accident etc.
I f anything, Anger is the dominant emotion for me currently. I am so mad at so many things it quickly becomes so overwhelming. I get irritable about the silliest things - noise, neighbours, comments E makes, my own mess and disorganization. Scheduling has become a problem,, as I keep forgetting to input plans into my smart phone. Often I'll get calls asking if plans still work, and I have forgotten all about them. My memory is terrible. Anything short term is very difficult to recall. ith long term memories, not so much. It becomes so frustrating and I often feel that I can't seem to keep my life balanced and in check. Holly my OT and I have been working on strategies, such as carrying my smart phone, med dosette and keys in a pocket. Problem is, have the time I forget to do this, or I misplace the jacket etc. where I put all my vital items. We got a keyless door lock so that I do not have to worry about keys. Sometimes I forget the code but mostly the lock has worked out well.
Sleep continues to be an issue. It is 4AM as I write this post. My eyes are heavy, my body tired yet still I can't drop off to sleep.Late nights seem to become late starts and then my day is all out of whack, all my plans get diverted by my fatigue.