Day 10 Commencement

Day 10. Almost halfway into the 21/5/800 challenge. The last couple of days I've been plagued with writer's constipation - all the thoughts are there but they are stuck somewhere and won't come out. I have all these topics in my head at all times but every time I go to write, nothing. I gave up on writing to focus on the physical. Had a very physical day on Tuesday - yoga, exercises. My PTA brought a gel pad for the seat of the recumbent bicycle we are renting and now the discomfort in my tailbone area from sitting is so much lessened and I can cycle much more effectively.
Wednesday E graduated from the EMS program. It was a fight to get him to go but he eventually agreed. So bloody stubborn. His mum came with us and we had champagne at his parent's after the ceremony. They thanked me for E's success. Little did they realize that it is me that should be thinking him.
Considering the accident came 1 week before he started his final, demanding, soul sucking year of school, E will forever be my hero for finishing the program intact, if not exhausted. When I came home from hospital, he looked after me, did his school work, did ride outs, applied for jobs and positions. He did this with such grace and dignity, showing true compassion and love. Not many would have been able to deal with such an uprooting, life changing accident, but he was there for me throughout it all. E has such focus when it counts, he is able to prioritize and tackle change, which will make him an amazing medic.
The creator of this written yoga challenge, Bindu Wiles, has been an inspiration to all, writing super happy updates about yoga and very thoughtful posts regarding many issues in life. Today's topic is on changing one's life. Glancing over Twitter and the blogs of other participants I can't help but think that this challenge has inspired most to peel away some outer layers and really focus on the core strength that holds us up, both physical and personal. It takes so much push and drive to simply exist in this day and age. The old ways are rapidly vanishing in the wake of the new religion: technology and progress. As the world changes so must we, in order to be able to keep up with the changes.
Change. Such a controversial word. Renew. Uproot. Rearrange. Reshuffle. Strip bare. All sides of change. Change is the only constant in life. We are told to cherish and enjoy the wonderful moments as they will not last long before change is upon us. And to smile, because soon whatever ails you will be gone as change will push us along. Nothing is permanent. Nothing stays the same.
When I was in severe pain in the hospital, burning up my left side, tight pressure on my back, I would focus on my breath and will myself to think of something positive, that soon this moment will pass. Look at the pain, recognize it, accept it so that the sting will seem less upsetting. It is in the face of pain that we show our most human selves, for this is how we learn to cope and overcome. The feeling of breaking through pain is indescribable. Such relief. I remember battling all morning with my neuropathic pain in my foot. It burned white hot, so concentrated and jarring that even the slightest external movement would have me crying. I couldn't move because of the pressure in my back around the surgical site. All I could do was stare at the wall and will myself to forget, even for a moment, how much pain I was in. That any reprieve, how ever brief was a gift. Eventually the sting subsided and when the meds began to work, and opiate relief was washing over me, I cried. At last, change.
Through out the last few months since I came home, I have been desperate for change. New clothes, new decorations, new food. New experiences, new friends. Anything that reminded me of myself pre-accident was painful. I live with a ghost, the ghost of who I was going to become. All my dreams lined up in a row. I am who I once was but never who I wanted to be. The disappointment has been the worst. Any mention of MSF makes me sad and remorseful. The disaster in Haiti was horrible to watch unfold and frustrating to know I couldn't go and help. I worked 7 long years, gave up my traveling self to become a healer so I could go where assistance was needed. Train others to help their communities, establish a new identity.
This grieving of my former life, of my lost identity has been surreal. I sit and cry but sometimes I have no idea why. Crying can be so cathartic as it cleanses out soul, allows healing to begin. It is this after glow that is so important as this is when the fortification of self occurs. It is in the shadow of despair that true everlasting change can occur. This pain, be it spiritual or physical, allows us to know what matters, who matters. It helps identify the true essence of self, the core of a person. Priorities become instinctual as opposed to rehearsed. It is this change which can shape your life for the good if you listen to it.
Change is organic by nature, it spreads at the pace it is meant to, influenced by competing factors. Like a tidal wave or the flux of the seasons, change comes at varying speeds, when we least expect it. The last nine months have been all change, some big, small, successive, crippling, rescuing. I have learned so much and still have so far to go. This time I have learned to go with what occurs and not fight it. In this situation, I think it is the best way to live, as I really cannot predict the changes that come. I try to keep faith that the full impact of this accident will result in positive change, a chance for me to fully become who I am. That in all this grief, a stronger, more resilient person will emerge, able to help change the grievances of the world with what this experience has shown them.
In a month I will be back on the surgeon's table, exposed, opened, to extract the hardware keeping my spine and pelvis together. It is my job now to create the internal hardware to keep my soul together for the pain and difficulty to come. I will do this by remembering to change.