Reverb#10 - Day 16

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

My view on Friendship in general has changed. I have no expectations anymore where friends are concerned. I've found it hurts too much whenever they aren't met. Until I am able to feel I can trust people and myself again, I will try to refrain from having expectations.
I mat discussed this before, but the notion that you learn who your friends truly are in times of crisis is so true. And it has surprised me. There were some that I thought hands down would stick by me. And although they initially visited me in hospital, once I was discharged home, they left, rarely returned my phone calls and seemed to not want to know me or my issues. My oldest friends did this. She was coping with big life issues of her own and perhaps couldn't handle anything else but I did think we would at least stay in touch and commiserate on the unfairness of life together. No such luck. I did get an apology of sorts a while back but when I've tried to follow up on how she is doing I get no response.
The same can be said for the emergency department I worked at. At the beginning, when I in he ICU and on the trauma unit, I would hear from people, friends would stop buy. I constantly received well wishes, etc. I was told once I felt up up it I would receive an enormous wave of visitors. Only a handful visited and once I was at rehab, very few. I went to social events when I came home - dinners, camping trips, I stopped by the department. But eventually I heard from no one, invitations weren't extended any more. I went by the department the other day and realized I didn't belong there any more, or so they all thought. Most odd. You'd think a group of nurses would be supportive and understand what I am going through, but again this is an expectation without thought. Just because someone works in health care doesn't mean they care. Or they understand.
My closest work friend was someone I knew from nursing school. She had gradated to the ER too, to everyone's surprise. I always got the impression she was afraid to go it alone somewhere else, so when I was accepted to work at MSH and I told her about it, she applied as well. The day of my accident she was with her mum, and a mutual friend/co-worker called her to tell her what had happened to me. She called E at the ER I was at, and she quickly became my families liaison between work and them. At the beginning she visited often. One of my first memories is her face. She was sitting next too me, giggling and smiling. Erick arrived then too and we all sat together, smiling. In my delerium I named her one of the pretty girls because she was, along with my sister and another co-worker. As I gradually got better her visits stayed frequent,but when the MRSA scandal hit, very soon she lessened her visits. Soon she would come only with someone else, and then not at all. I would see her at work events but she woulds always be with other people. I'm still not sure what happened. Maybe she finally got the acceptance she was after into the upper social echelons at work, and had no need for me further, as it was becoming doubtful I would be able to return to work at the ER. I miss her. I always knew I was more her friend than she was mine. The summer before the accident I was on medication to proactively treat a latent TB infection. I told my friend to keep this info on the down low, and she agreed but later outed me via joking around with our co-workers while working at Triage. I was so disappointed, as at first she tried to brush it off as a joke, but later apologized. It was then I realized we were friends so long as it was beneficial to her, much as it had been in school. I did hear from her recently when I was gearing up to present at the SMH trauma conference. She had initially told me she would be at the conference to support me etc. but later told ,e she couldn't get her shift covered and had to work the day of the conference. She didn't call me after to see how it had gone - I assume she heard what she needed to from those who went. Now that she had complete acceptance at work and was in the leadership ring that seemed to be the cool kids of the ER, I doubt I will hear from her much. Sad, but true.
I understand that life goes on for those still working and that mine is the only life affected by my accident. Crisis is a terrible time to lose friends, as it is then one needs the comfort and support of other people. But being supportive isn't many people's bag as ultimately it draws attention aware from the individual. Petty, but this seems to be what being an adult is all about. Self-interest, self-preservation. I am not truly in the thick of fending for myself, there is no buffer of youth to protect me. Once you are exposed to the darker sides of life, to many you are tarnished and not worth the effort of knowing. Adults are the most self-centered form of humans, even surpassing teenagers, which at first seems doubtful. Teenagers are all about their friends and the opinions of others. Adults seem to care less.