Reverb#10 - Day 11

Prompt: 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

This feels like a long post. Yeesh.

1) bullshit - I feel like I endured much bull shit last year. Some of it unintended, some of it just happened, and some of it happened for the last time. Whatever the reason, I'm done with bull shit - from friends, associates, hospitals, corporations, family. I'd like a year with as little bullshit as possible. Eliminating most of it requires knowing myself and my boundaries inside and out. And being able to keep my cool and emotions in check. Which brings me to...

2) losing it - To day my body is rife with emotions is a vast understatement. Anger seems to be to most predominant emotion and for good reason. I've lost it control wise over big complicated things and little things, such as cream instead of milk in my coffee. No matter what losing my cool requires and takes much energy, which I don't have in quantity as I used to. Again, I need to keep myself in check. I need to hone in on something like my breath, and just breathe. Sorta like that self hypnosis athletes do before competing. Push myself into the immediate now. I suspect there is much more to come and I need to learn adequate coping strategies. 2011 seems as good a time as any.

3) mindless stuff - I've been trying to liquidate as much as possible. I've got rid of many things this year and the space has been nice to have again. I need to stop mindless spending or acquiring when I feel empty of sad. I'll regret the expense as well as the clutter. I need firmer rules by which to adhere to when acquiring. I need to say no more when offered free stuff I don't necessarily want or need.

4) fake friends - This accident showed me who my friends are. These are the only people I need. I don't want to waste my energy on flighty unreliable friends. I deleted a whole pile off my Facebook the other day. It hurt too much to see them. Most of them were work friends. I need to let work go.
I also need to let go of friends who are so simply because they always have been. High school/traveling etc has been over for awhile.

5) expectations - I wrote about expectations earlier. They do nothing expect blur the lines of experience. Once I expect things I invite desire, deserve, disappointment, comparison, entitlement and other fun wrecking emotions to the table. To expect is to live in the future or the past, not the present. No expectations = little stress.

6) self-unkindness - Our inner critics influence much of what we do if we let them. The greatest, most powerful thing I can do is to be kind to myself. No expectation, no criticism, no denial, no worthlessness. Just love and kindness when needed, and a kick in the butt to keep myself in check. I've spent the last year so down, so sad and so lost. I would like to move forward. I should be kinder to myself in order to do so.

7) apathy - In the wake of trauma, apathy is often the easier way out. Safer. To be numb, feeling-less, void of all hope and positivity feels the safest. If I don't care, nothing can hurt me again. Time slips by at a fast pace. I want to care again. I need to motivate myself to do things. Get out of bed, shower, get dressed. Too many days spent in my PJ's. If I am dressed I can go out, see friends. Not be a hermit. Maybe then feeling will get better, safer.

8) cable television - All I watch is On Demand. We can download off the net pretty much anything. All cable provides is commercials. Most of them are annoying. Screw cable.

9)cheaply made stuff. - I buy it, it falls apart. I got what I paid for. I hate cheap junk. Takes up space. Beautiful handmade items inspire me to create, to decorate, to give. Handmade, small business, arts and crafty items are better quality, not much quantity and encourage you to do rather then consume. Cheap plastic mass produced kills creativity, meaning, and most importantly the planet.

10)too much sentiment. I have boxes of bad pictures and ex-boyfriend evidence. I don't need them. 10 amazing pictures are a better conduit to memories then a boxful of just 'cause pictures. I'd rather build a bonfire and spend an evening with friends, burning what I don't need anymore. Seems cleansing. And fire is cool. It really is.

11) and finally...the big one..
Fear - Frank Herbert once wrote in his epic Dune Saga that "fear is the mind killer." When I was young and invisible these were words I lived by. As I got older I realized fear was necessary to show me my weak points and what I truly care about. A indicator of vulnerability. What I loved about the ER was not knowing what could come through the door next. Chaos was fun for me and yet I spent a good amount of 2010 afraid of the unknown. Fear shows us how to be human. It is a deep primal instinct. To feel fear is to feel alive. To feel fear is to connect with the prey side of yourself. To feel fear is to sense death, be it physical or emotional or existential. I've avoided death a few times now. I don't necessarily want to do without fear as it is so much a part of me. I would just like to live instead of cower. It is time to get my life back. Maybe 2011 is the year to do so.